Keep Breathing,

Well, today was the day. I watched my hero walk onto one of those dammed Coach America buses.

3 weeks ago you could have asked me how I felt about this deployment and it would have been pretty positive, better communication, faster mail. I felt like I had this in the bag. Yes, I was worried about my husband, and yes, I was going to miss him more than words. But, I had come to terms with it, and was in my "happy place" as far as deployments are concerned. 

2 weeks ago, you could have asked me the same question, and my answer would have been I am not happy about the location , but at least communication shouldn't be that terrible and hopefully mail will run smoother than last deployment. Not so much in my "happy place" any more but trying to focus on the good of the situation.

Then today about an hour before its time to say "see ya in a few months hot stuff" we find out that communication as of now is almost nonexistent and and that the mail system is even worse, UGH, how does that happen? So as Alan walked onto those buses today the few positives I had been holding onto were gone and I felt  nauseous, uncontrollable tears, and a pain in my chest making it hard for me to breath. As I was standing there breathless the only thing I could keep telling myself was to keep breathing. I couldn't do much to control the tears, or ease the pain in my belly. But I had to keep breathing. I have to stay strong for my son in my arms, and I have to stay strong for my personal hero who was sitting on a bus watching us through the window. But, I have never felt so weak or helpless in my life.

After we got home, it was a weird feeling, knowing that this was my life for the next 8 months. One 2 year old, 2 dogs, some fish, and my self in this big house, while my husband is at war. Part of it doesn't feel real, feels like I was just here and that its not our time again already. But when I start really thinking about it, and I know its real, and that 8 months feels like 17 years away from now today my hands start shaking, the water works return, and again, I have to remind myself to just keep breathing. Today is terrible, tomorrow will be a little bit better, and next week we will start finding the routine that will get us through these long months ahead.

I love you Alan. See you in a few months.

 "People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." --George Orwell.